Dick and Jane’s Deepwater Horizon
Okay, I get that one should tailor a message to the audience, but this hit me as more than a little condescending:
President Obama’s speech on the gulf oil disaster may have gone over the heads of many in his audience, according to an analysis of the 18-minute talk released Wednesday.
Tuesday night’s speech from the Oval Office of the White House was written to a 9.8 grade level, said Paul J.J. Payack, president of Global Language Monitor. The Austin, Texas-based company analyzes and catalogues trends in word usage and word choice and their impact on culture.
Though the president used slightly less than four sentences per paragraph, his 19.8 words per sentence “added some difficulty for his target audience,” Payack said.
What does Payack mean by “over the heads of many in his audience”? This is the sentence he singled out as problematic:
“That is why just after the rig sank, I assembled a team of our nation’s best scientists and engineers to tackle this challenge — a team led by Dr. Steven Chu, a Nobel Prize-winning physicist and our nation’s secretary of energy.”
Makes my lips tired just reading that sentence. Ever seen someone bend down and talk loudly to someone in a wheelchair? Kind of seems like that’s what they think Obama should have done to the American people.
Pot calls kettle “insufficiently awed”
Though I have gone silent recently (an absence comprising equal parts work-related stress, giddiness about clusterflockstock, and seething jealousy about Danny’s new iPad), the ‘flock has been in my every wa(n)king thought. Someone apparently has the same mixed emotions about David Brooks:
Introspective, cheerless, and vaguely addled, equal parts crank and cynic, a wet blanket in a world of cheerful optimism – this is the quintessential pessimist.
Or maybe it’s David Brooks of The New York Times. His impish grin and penchant for loud shirt-and-tie combinations masks, I’m convinced, reveals the psyche of a man stranded on a desert island with no hope of rescue — i.e., one on the very edge of shattering altogether. Sure, he delivers the standard political commentary and boilerplate eulogies for public figures like Ted Kennedy or Irving Kristol — no different from the stable of op-ed writers in most major newspapers. But the farther afield he goes, the wilder his aim gets; he criticizes celebrities for being insufficiently awed by contemporary events, and predicts one day that psychology will someday “replace misleading categories like ‘emotion’ and ‘reason.’”. And is it simple coincidence or a terrifying grasp into his subconscious when, in one column, he describes his total disillusionment with Republicans (“Are they really my guys? Do I have guys anymore?…I feel politically closer to Barack Obama than to House Minority Leader John Boehner (and that’s even while being greatly exercised about the current health care bills).”, and then in another column five days later wonders what would happen if a gamma-ray burst sterilized half the planet?
That first sentence refers to Eeyore, perpetual sad sack of the Winnie the Pooh multiverse. A fitting analogy, no?
The Sucker Punch of a Brighter Tomorrow
Special Report — I awake in the 4:00 AM gloom, unable to breathe. A bearded, brown-eyed Cyclops wearing a feathery plumed hat lies on my chest staring at me. My Indiglo watch’s pale luminescence reveals the intruder’s identity: cat #27 nuzzling my pajama pants drawstring again.
I am by necessity a cat rancher. Felines are useful for their varmint-hunting prowess, pelts, and milk. A dozen or so can keep you warm when no other heat source is available. Milking them is not an enterprise to be underestimated, but I have small hands so no problem there.
Cheney Douchiest VP of All Time, Ever, Seriously
An increasingly upset Mr. Cheney stated categorically that Mr. Wallace, Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary and Bill Clinton, Caroline Kennedy, and even Paris Hilton could all go “bleep” themselves.
Although such enthusiastic support for onanistic love comes during the twilight of his public service career, the Wyoming Republican was quick to reiterate his “unimpeachable zeal for the rule of law.”
Internet Filled to Capacity in 2006
“There’s valid, creative, important content streaming online every minute of every day,” said Google Inc.’s Director of Surfing, Arthur Henry Humes. “Unfortunately, most of it gets bumped by spam, inane forums, and a crushing influx of unfunny, pedantic, pseudo-satirical ‘news’ blogs.”
“Fake news bloggers are the worst,” Mr. Humes added. “The half-baked stories and made-up quotes — who needs that? Those douches are so full of crap, they’re like big douchebags full of crap.”
Graphic Artists Edited by Recession, Nepotism
“CEOs and managers used to doodle concepts on napkins and Post-it notes and send them to the art department for refinement,” said panic-decision expert Norm Delahaye. “Nowadays, the original thumbnail sketches are simply scanned and published — with no apologies and no regrets.”
“An art degree and five dollars will buy you a cup of coffee at Starbucks,” Mr. Delahaye continued, “which is where a lot of displaced visual stylists are going to end up working.”
President Bush Will Relocate to Canada
Mr. Bush refused to confirm the exact location to which he planned to move, only hinting it would have to be somewhere that supported his hobbies of felling trees and clearing brush.
When reporters asked if he and First Lady Laura were heading north, Mr. Bush smiled coyly and observed “they’ve got a lot of timber up there.”
“I greatly admire Mr. Harper’s suspension of constitutional procedure and closing Parliament and whatnot,” Mr. Bush said. “Those Canadians even play forms of football and baseball generally similar to how we do it down here.”
Clintons Decline Obama Secretary Position
The Clintons read a short statement during a brief news conference in the nation’s capital, for the most part finishing each other’s sentences.
“We respect and admire the President-Elect and wish him well,” they said, “but we are unable to serve as part of his team at this time.”
“The truth is,” the Clintons continued, “we’ve got big plans — like expanding our legacy and doing a lot of fundraising — and a new job would have to be snazzy enough to make us want to set aside our dreams.”
Melamine Shortage Could Undermine GM Bailout
The lame duck Bush Administration says it will authorize the purchase of 600,000 unwanted and unsold Chevrolet, GMC, Pontiac, Buick, and Saturn SUVs and donate them to former homeowners who defaulted on mortgages.
“Well, nobody can afford to buy those vehicles or fill them with gas,” said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, or possibly Nancy Pfotenhauer, “but if you park them in the shade they make a cozy little living space. Kind of like camping.
President-Elect Obama: I Wasn’t Serious
Chicago, IL — The election of America’s first African-American Negro black president has been greeted enthusiastically by 53% of the U.S. population and almost universally by the rest of the world.
Stalwart Republican challenger Senator John McCain refused to admit defeat, however, and insisted he will keep campaigning “for a hundred years, if that’s what it takes.”
Liquid Plumber: Joe’s Wardrobe Costs GOP $150K
On Friday, the Republican National Committee reported receipts amounting to nearly $150,000 for clothing, cosmetic treatments, and beef jerky allocated to McCain campaign phenomenon Samuel “Joe the Plumber” Wurzelbacher.
McCain senior strategist and speechwriter Mark Salter dismissed the bills as “irrelevant” and “false” while insisting, “even if the story were true, and it is, Obama will raise taxes.”
Undecided Voters
Palin Better Qualified to Handle Fashion Crisis
RNC spokesbuyer Maria Comella refused to comment on the report’s details, although she reaffirmed the McCain campaign’s commitment to a strong, stylish America and described Ms. Palin’s look as “bitchin’.”
The GOP is clearly tapping into a societal predisposition to dress-up Barbie, although most old white male Republicans mentally undress Alaska’s popular populist governor.
McCain and Palin to Debate Each Other
“My friends — and I think I can call you my friends — Governor Palin and I agree on many important issues,” the Arizona maverick told nearly a dozen supporters at a car wash adjacent to the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway.
“Nevertheless,” Mr. McCain continued, “in light of the deep, fundamental divisions that divide pragmatic realists and extremist neocons within the Republican Party, there are one or two subjects that could benefit from a spirited exchange of talking points.”
Gasoline is Becoming Too Inexpensive
I’m old enough to remember when OPEC was the petro-boogeyman. Those were good times. Any and every upward swing at the pump was due to the greed of rat bastard Saudi Arabians, Kuwaitis, and Venezuelans. After all, it’s so much nicer to hate foreigners.
Nowadays, the bull’s-eye of hate is painted squarely on the oil companies themselves — profiteering pirates manipulating the market and gilding their parachutes. Coldhearted robber barons hellbent on exploiting Ford F-250 pickup truck owners.
McCain to Begin Actual Campaign Very Soon
Mr. McCain promised to spend less time leaving angry notes underneath automobile windshield wipers and would instead consign himself fully to winning the presidency, but refused to take character assassination off the table.
Experienced observers predict the feisty, combative GOP silver fox would start campaigning in the next week or two.
In Which I Proclaim My Love for Sarah
Everything changed the night I saw Sarah speak at the Republican National Convention. I was captivated by her passion, her perkiness, her adorably flat accent. Wouldn’t I just love to hear her say my name — to call me her own special “bad guy”? You betcha.
I have already composed a list of nearly three hundred catch phrases and special little pet-names we can use to ignite exchanges of whispers, giggles, and knowing looks with each other. I can’t wait.
Bush Ratings Lower Than Pirates, Wall St. Brokers
Washington, DC — Embattled U.S. President George W. Bush continues his long, slow decline into history’s dumpster.
A new Gallup poll places Mr. Bush’s current approval rating somewhere between Brussels sprouts and explosive diarrhea.
“The Administration’s handling of foreign affairs and the events leading up to the current financial crisis is taking a toll on President Bush’s credibility,” senior pollster R. Kevin Buck told news agencies Thursday. “It’s like watching a monkey trying to fuck a football.”
Poll: McCain Old and White, Obama Young and Black
“We accumulate plenty of raw data,” said thirty-year veteran statistician Nelson Temple of Scranton, PA, “even when we don’t embroider reality with made up bullshit. The tough part is making sense of it.”
“This week,” he continued, “49% of those surveyed indicate Governor Sarah Palin is not as hot as they first thought, yet 47% are convinced she is hotter than ever. With a 3% margin of error, what am I supposed to do with that?”
Candidates Waging Battle of Quotes, Sources Say
New York, NY — It’s never been more difficult to separate whining from substance. America’s 2008 presidential race is fully engaged, but truth and credibility are not.
The road to the White House is littered with the corpses of shattered reality and common decency — casualties of one of the ugliest, nastiest major U.S. elections since 2004.
There’s a Party in My Pants
Wednesday, September 3
11:40AM Yes, I got here late. What a night I had. Three women at my hotel asked me if I wanted a massage. I thought they were hookers but it turns out they were delegates from Indiana. One in particular had skills — and strong hands like a farmer’s wife. She told me she attended her first GOP convention in 1972 when Nixon won his second nomination. Unlike that sordid affair, last night had a happy ending.
Catering the Rapture
Special Report — I think about food too much. I know I do. I acquired the tendency honestly.
When I was a little critter growing up in the compound, my mother elected herself nutritionist for our entire breakaway republic. There’s no telling what Mom would have achieved as Dietician-General if our fifty-two member group had seceded from the United States.
McCain VP Hot Pick is Hot Chick
Elected in 2006 as governor of a state that has a population density lower than outer space, the former basketball player and beauty queen acquired the nickname “Sarah Barracuda” for her competitive ferocity in pageant competitions.
This sexiest bright hope of conservatives once kilt a grizzly with her bare hands, and was awarded the mayoralty of Wasilla, one of Alaska’s least-amusingly named cities, as first prize for winning the famous Iditarod dogsled race in 1996.
Democratic Convention: Everyone Forgot the Potato Salad
Former President Jimmy Carter, comfortable in his new role of elder statesman and hobbyist diplomat, warned on Monday that his fellow Democrats need to “smarten up” and “stop acting like little bitches.”
“Americans want change, prosperity, and international prestige,” said Mr. Carter, who history will remember as being a much better ex-president than president. “Unfortunately, the Democratic leadership sometimes acts like it couldn’t even organize an explosion at a fireworks factory.”
Obama, McCain to Quit, End Campaigns on High
“We’ve all met people we like at first,” Mr. Plouffe continued, “but after a little while they get on our nerves, never return DVDs, constantly mooch money and food, and increase the tax on capital gains. Senator Obama prefers to avoid that shift in perception. He wants to be remembered as being one of the most charismatic and exciting candidates of all time.”
