McCain Advocates Phil Gramm Surge
“My friends — and I truly think of all of you as friends — listen up,” Mr. McCain told supporters and press. “The U.S. will withdraw from Iraq only after victory is achieved. We will achieve that victory by pounding the terrorists as if they are economical cuts of flank steak.”
“I have the military and foreign policy experience to make statements like that,” he continued in a strident, nasally voice, “even if I clearly can’t tell the difference between a Shiite and a Sunni.”
Obama: New Yorker Cover Real After All
“The Senator’s outrage was entirely understandable,” said Mr. Obama’s communications director Bill Burton. “He simply didn’t expect anything like that to come from such a normally left-leaning source. Then he talked to Mrs. Obama and they agreed The New Yorker pretty much nailed it.”
“However,” Mr. Burton continued, “at no time or under any circumstance has Senator Obama ever consumed a human infant. He is not a baby-eater.”
Rush Limbaugh Turns Down Obama VP Job
Denver, CO — Radio talk-show pundit Rush Limbaugh became the latest notable public figure to remove his or her own name from consideration as Democratic Senator Barack Obama’s vice presidential running mate.
Mr. Limbaugh’s announcement followed recent similar rejections by Ohio Governor Ted Strickland, U.S. Senator Jim Webb of Virginia, and supermodel Christie Brinkley.
Poll: Cindy McCain Hotter than Michelle Obama?
A poll released Wednesday offers new evidence of a tightening 2008 White House race, with the candidates’ wives currently running in a statistical dead heat—an indication this year’s election could be decided by the public’s opinion about whichever prospective First Lady is the hottest.
Depression Not So Great
New York, NY — Last Friday’s stock market near-crash sent waves of intestinal cramps rippling through the world’s investment community.
With the Dow Jones Industrial Average having lost more value than at any time post-1929 and reaching its lowest point in the past 22 months, the current financial crisis is taking a psychological and emotional toll on jittery investors.
McCain Offers $300M Award for New Campaign Staff
“Most of my existing team receives great compensation from the various corporations for which they lobby,” said Mr. McCain, “but they still can’t keep my White House bid off the guardrails. I’ll miss them at first but I think I’ll get over it.”
McCain to Drill America
Mr. McCain’s proposal, details of which were disclosed on Tuesday, plays to a portion of the electorate that believes “alternative fuel source” means siphoning gas from their neighbors’ cars and trucks.
“My friends, our nation’s energy independence is one of my highest priorities,” the presumptive GOP 2008 presidential nominee told supporters in Houston, Texas. “If there are barrels of oil buried beneath the Gulf of Mexico, well then, we must go out there and dig them up.”
Fight the Smears
I’m not sure what kind of drugs that terrorist-fist-jabbing madrasah educated elitist unpatriotic muslim unhinged-baptist mentored America hating appeaser is smoking but I’m sure his baby mama must think he’s paranoid.
backdrop
Was anybody else as distracted by the apparent Abercrombie and Fitch ad behind Barack Obama last night in Indiana?
As if their presence wasn’t enough, at one point, the young man on the left pulls out his cell phone and leans toward the camera as he has a conversation, “Dude, you’re on CNN!” “Dude, I know.”
After a quick Google search I found that Gawker is asking the same question.
ever feel like punching yourself in the face?
A transcript of Chris Matthews and David Shuster on Hardball discussing Obama’s diner problem.
SHUSTER: Well, here’s the other thing that we saw on the tape, Chris, is that, when Obama went in, he was offered coffee, and he said, “I’ll have orange juice.”
MATTHEWS: No.
…
When Matthews said “No” in response to Shuster’s revelation that Obama ordered orange juice in a diner, he sounded as though he had just been told that Obama had punched a nun in the face.
(thanks, Katherine)
New Survey Says Polls are Meaningless Waste of Time
New York, NY — Most opinion polls are useless pieces of crap—that’s the conclusion drawn from a new survey released on Thursday. The margin of error for this damning assessment is plus or minus seventy-five percentage points.
Survey respondents were asked to answer wide-ranging questions about the U.S. economy, the 2008 presidential election, and general world affairs. These issues were carefully mixed with queries related to opinion polls themselves. The results paint a disturbing picture of what we think we know about what we think we know.
Dear America
You’re breaking my heart again.
