Midlife Banking Crisis
If I “borrow” something from you, at the time I receive it I really, really intend to give it back. It’s still yours — you’ll simply never see it again. When I ask my next-door neighbor if I can use his Husqvarna chainsaw, I always, well, almost never, return it. “Stealing” denotes acquisition through violence or sneakiness; “borrowing” is defined by unreasonable expectations of repatriation.
Poverty Mostly Unaffected by Banking Crisis
“If it’s true the disenfranchised, homeless, and destitute have absolutely nothing, then we must find a way to take even that from them,” Mr. Bush said in his weekly radio address. “If we can take nothing from the country’s wealthiest people we can certainly do it with the poorest.”
The president also denied that federal funding had been earmarked to facilitate research into methods of extracting blood from rocks and turnips.
InBev Buys Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac
“Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have endured troubled times lately,” said InBev CEO Carlos Brito, “but that will change now that they have joined our corporate family. A little tweaking, some layoffs — there is no limit to what we can achieve together.”
“We often make our expansion decisions based on brand equity,” Mr. Brito added. “However, in this particular case the first thing we will do is change those incredibly stupid company names.”
Depression Not So Great
New York, NY — Last Friday’s stock market near-crash sent waves of intestinal cramps rippling through the world’s investment community.
With the Dow Jones Industrial Average having lost more value than at any time post-1929 and reaching its lowest point in the past 22 months, the current financial crisis is taking a psychological and emotional toll on jittery investors.
Bush: Magic and Grand Theft Auto Will Boost Economy
Washington, DC — In the waning days of his tenure, President George W. Bush faces dismal economic worries highlighted by rising gas prices, plummeting housing values, and stagnant American Idol audience participation.
Mr. Bush’s job approval ratings are sliding toward an unprecedented value lower than 0.1%. This would be the first time below-zero numbers have been used to rank a U.S. president, although they are commonly applied to TV reality shows and fast-food chicken sandwiches.
“If there was a magic wand to wave, I’d be waving it, of course,” the President said in a White House Rose Garden Q&A session Tuesday, “But there is no magic wand to wave right now.”
