Transit
Don’t eat so much. You don’t have to keep going until everything is gone. The Clean Plate Club is not looking for new members. You are already full, so why do you continue eating? You taste nothing.
Review your hardware-store shopping list. Arrange the items in two categories: things that must be fixed before they break something else, and parts for projects you will never start. Stop choosing tools based on whether you think they will outlast your span of years. Do not synthesize memories and likely scenarios as you did last time.
A Few Remarks
I sat next to him for almost two years. Inches apart, in fact, but there was a wall of sorts between us. Blue tweed-looking stuff stretched over a metal frame and filled with a thin layer of sound deadening material. It was not enough to prevent my hearing his chronic wheezing and throat-clearing.
The first week was not too bad. I was kind enough to welcome him into our little dysfunctional family. Show him how to do things and avoid the obvious rookie mistakes. He was slow to pick up departmental procedures and obstinate about what he thought he knew.
At what point did I stop trying to help him? It was when he took credit for projects that were not his own, compounded by a reluctance to admit he never knew what the fuck he was talking about. He couldn’t support an opinion or back up an assertion based on his own experience–Googling an answer was his method of showing how smart he was.
Misery Bear Goes to Work
Thanks, Jenny.
The entire series is pretty great/sad, especially Misery Bear: Dawn of the Ted.
U.S. Economy Inflates and Recedes Simultaneously
America’s turgid economy has finally oozed over the brink of a deep financial chasm, the likes of which has not been seen or smelled or imagined for decades.
The world banking crisis, rising commodity costs, and an uncertain energy supply have combined to ignite a paper bag of dog poo left on the doorsteps of hapless consumers.
At the same time the world monetary supply tightens, prices continue to soar. According to gifted moneyologist Warren Buffet, the costs of luxury yachts and Moet & Chandon champagne have risen nearly 400% in just seven years, although according to Mr. Buffet the inflationary spiral hurts the very wealthy “not one damned bit — we’re too rich.”
Gasoline is Becoming Too Inexpensive
I’m old enough to remember when OPEC was the petro-boogeyman. Those were good times. Any and every upward swing at the pump was due to the greed of rat bastard Saudi Arabians, Kuwaitis, and Venezuelans. After all, it’s so much nicer to hate foreigners.
Nowadays, the bull’s-eye of hate is painted squarely on the oil companies themselves — profiteering pirates manipulating the market and gilding their parachutes. Coldhearted robber barons hellbent on exploiting Ford F-250 pickup truck owners.
Poverty Mostly Unaffected by Banking Crisis
“If it’s true the disenfranchised, homeless, and destitute have absolutely nothing, then we must find a way to take even that from them,” Mr. Bush said in his weekly radio address. “If we can take nothing from the country’s wealthiest people we can certainly do it with the poorest.”
The president also denied that federal funding had been earmarked to facilitate research into methods of extracting blood from rocks and turnips.
InBev Buys Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac
“Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have endured troubled times lately,” said InBev CEO Carlos Brito, “but that will change now that they have joined our corporate family. A little tweaking, some layoffs — there is no limit to what we can achieve together.”
“We often make our expansion decisions based on brand equity,” Mr. Brito added. “However, in this particular case the first thing we will do is change those incredibly stupid company names.”
Depression Not So Great
New York, NY — Last Friday’s stock market near-crash sent waves of intestinal cramps rippling through the world’s investment community.
With the Dow Jones Industrial Average having lost more value than at any time post-1929 and reaching its lowest point in the past 22 months, the current financial crisis is taking a psychological and emotional toll on jittery investors.
