Celebrities Struggling to Make Ends Meet
Some of the most prominent and glamorous celebrities are now forced to order their domestic staff to serve frozen creamed orphan on toast points or canned poached breast of bald eagle instead of fresh.
Meanwhile, average Americans who are not famous or popular or attractive are subsisting on diets of wienie water, dust bunnies, and grass clippings.
InBev Buys Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac
“Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have endured troubled times lately,” said InBev CEO Carlos Brito, “but that will change now that they have joined our corporate family. A little tweaking, some layoffs — there is no limit to what we can achieve together.”
“We often make our expansion decisions based on brand equity,” Mr. Brito added. “However, in this particular case the first thing we will do is change those incredibly stupid company names.”
Bush: Magic and Grand Theft Auto Will Boost Economy
Washington, DC — In the waning days of his tenure, President George W. Bush faces dismal economic worries highlighted by rising gas prices, plummeting housing values, and stagnant American Idol audience participation.
Mr. Bush’s job approval ratings are sliding toward an unprecedented value lower than 0.1%. This would be the first time below-zero numbers have been used to rank a U.S. president, although they are commonly applied to TV reality shows and fast-food chicken sandwiches.
“If there was a magic wand to wave, I’d be waving it, of course,” the President said in a White House Rose Garden Q&A session Tuesday, “But there is no magic wand to wave right now.”
