Clintons Decline Obama Secretary Position
The Clintons read a short statement during a brief news conference in the nation’s capital, for the most part finishing each other’s sentences.
“We respect and admire the President-Elect and wish him well,” they said, “but we are unable to serve as part of his team at this time.”
“The truth is,” the Clintons continued, “we’ve got big plans — like expanding our legacy and doing a lot of fundraising — and a new job would have to be snazzy enough to make us want to set aside our dreams.”
Candidates Waging Battle of Quotes, Sources Say
New York, NY — It’s never been more difficult to separate whining from substance. America’s 2008 presidential race is fully engaged, but truth and credibility are not.
The road to the White House is littered with the corpses of shattered reality and common decency — casualties of one of the ugliest, nastiest major U.S. elections since 2004.
McCain VP Hot Pick is Hot Chick
Elected in 2006 as governor of a state that has a population density lower than outer space, the former basketball player and beauty queen acquired the nickname “Sarah Barracuda” for her competitive ferocity in pageant competitions.
This sexiest bright hope of conservatives once kilt a grizzly with her bare hands, and was awarded the mayoralty of Wasilla, one of Alaska’s least-amusingly named cities, as first prize for winning the famous Iditarod dogsled race in 1996.
Obama, McCain to Quit, End Campaigns on High
“We’ve all met people we like at first,” Mr. Plouffe continued, “but after a little while they get on our nerves, never return DVDs, constantly mooch money and food, and increase the tax on capital gains. Senator Obama prefers to avoid that shift in perception. He wants to be remembered as being one of the most charismatic and exciting candidates of all time.”
Poll: Cindy McCain Hotter than Michelle Obama?
A poll released Wednesday offers new evidence of a tightening 2008 White House race, with the candidates’ wives currently running in a statistical dead heat—an indication this year’s election could be decided by the public’s opinion about whichever prospective First Lady is the hottest.
McCain to Drill America
Mr. McCain’s proposal, details of which were disclosed on Tuesday, plays to a portion of the electorate that believes “alternative fuel source” means siphoning gas from their neighbors’ cars and trucks.
“My friends, our nation’s energy independence is one of my highest priorities,” the presumptive GOP 2008 presidential nominee told supporters in Houston, Texas. “If there are barrels of oil buried beneath the Gulf of Mexico, well then, we must go out there and dig them up.”
New Survey Says Polls are Meaningless Waste of Time
New York, NY — Most opinion polls are useless pieces of crap—that’s the conclusion drawn from a new survey released on Thursday. The margin of error for this damning assessment is plus or minus seventy-five percentage points.
Survey respondents were asked to answer wide-ranging questions about the U.S. economy, the 2008 presidential election, and general world affairs. These issues were carefully mixed with queries related to opinion polls themselves. The results paint a disturbing picture of what we think we know about what we think we know.
