Cheney Douchiest VP of All Time, Ever, Seriously
An increasingly upset Mr. Cheney stated categorically that Mr. Wallace, Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary and Bill Clinton, Caroline Kennedy, and even Paris Hilton could all go “bleep” themselves.
Although such enthusiastic support for onanistic love comes during the twilight of his public service career, the Wyoming Republican was quick to reiterate his “unimpeachable zeal for the rule of law.”
Palin Better Qualified to Handle Fashion Crisis
RNC spokesbuyer Maria Comella refused to comment on the report’s details, although she reaffirmed the McCain campaign’s commitment to a strong, stylish America and described Ms. Palin’s look as “bitchin’.”
The GOP is clearly tapping into a societal predisposition to dress-up Barbie, although most old white male Republicans mentally undress Alaska’s popular populist governor.
McCain and Palin to Debate Each Other
“My friends — and I think I can call you my friends — Governor Palin and I agree on many important issues,” the Arizona maverick told nearly a dozen supporters at a car wash adjacent to the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway.
“Nevertheless,” Mr. McCain continued, “in light of the deep, fundamental divisions that divide pragmatic realists and extremist neocons within the Republican Party, there are one or two subjects that could benefit from a spirited exchange of talking points.”
In Which I Proclaim My Love for Sarah
Everything changed the night I saw Sarah speak at the Republican National Convention. I was captivated by her passion, her perkiness, her adorably flat accent. Wouldn’t I just love to hear her say my name — to call me her own special “bad guy”? You betcha.
I have already composed a list of nearly three hundred catch phrases and special little pet-names we can use to ignite exchanges of whispers, giggles, and knowing looks with each other. I can’t wait.
Bush Ratings Lower Than Pirates, Wall St. Brokers
Washington, DC — Embattled U.S. President George W. Bush continues his long, slow decline into history’s dumpster.
A new Gallup poll places Mr. Bush’s current approval rating somewhere between Brussels sprouts and explosive diarrhea.
“The Administration’s handling of foreign affairs and the events leading up to the current financial crisis is taking a toll on President Bush’s credibility,” senior pollster R. Kevin Buck told news agencies Thursday. “It’s like watching a monkey trying to fuck a football.”
Team of Mavericks
League of non-conformists.
Alliance of loners.
Gaggle of rebels.
Coalition of dissenters.
Candidates Waging Battle of Quotes, Sources Say
New York, NY — It’s never been more difficult to separate whining from substance. America’s 2008 presidential race is fully engaged, but truth and credibility are not.
The road to the White House is littered with the corpses of shattered reality and common decency — casualties of one of the ugliest, nastiest major U.S. elections since 2004.
There’s a Party in My Pants
Wednesday, September 3
11:40AM Yes, I got here late. What a night I had. Three women at my hotel asked me if I wanted a massage. I thought they were hookers but it turns out they were delegates from Indiana. One in particular had skills — and strong hands like a farmer’s wife. She told me she attended her first GOP convention in 1972 when Nixon won his second nomination. Unlike that sordid affair, last night had a happy ending.
Catering the Rapture
Special Report — I think about food too much. I know I do. I acquired the tendency honestly.
When I was a little critter growing up in the compound, my mother elected herself nutritionist for our entire breakaway republic. There’s no telling what Mom would have achieved as Dietician-General if our fifty-two member group had seceded from the United States.
McCain VP Hot Pick is Hot Chick
Elected in 2006 as governor of a state that has a population density lower than outer space, the former basketball player and beauty queen acquired the nickname “Sarah Barracuda” for her competitive ferocity in pageant competitions.
This sexiest bright hope of conservatives once kilt a grizzly with her bare hands, and was awarded the mayoralty of Wasilla, one of Alaska’s least-amusingly named cities, as first prize for winning the famous Iditarod dogsled race in 1996.
Obama, McCain to Quit, End Campaigns on High
“We’ve all met people we like at first,” Mr. Plouffe continued, “but after a little while they get on our nerves, never return DVDs, constantly mooch money and food, and increase the tax on capital gains. Senator Obama prefers to avoid that shift in perception. He wants to be remembered as being one of the most charismatic and exciting candidates of all time.”
