President-Elect Obama: I Wasn’t Serious
Chicago, IL — The election of America’s first African-American Negro black president has been greeted enthusiastically by 53% of the U.S. population and almost universally by the rest of the world.
Stalwart Republican challenger Senator John McCain refused to admit defeat, however, and insisted he will keep campaigning “for a hundred years, if that’s what it takes.”
Liquid Plumber: Joe’s Wardrobe Costs GOP $150K
On Friday, the Republican National Committee reported receipts amounting to nearly $150,000 for clothing, cosmetic treatments, and beef jerky allocated to McCain campaign phenomenon Samuel “Joe the Plumber” Wurzelbacher.
McCain senior strategist and speechwriter Mark Salter dismissed the bills as “irrelevant” and “false” while insisting, “even if the story were true, and it is, Obama will raise taxes.”
Undecided Voters
Palin Better Qualified to Handle Fashion Crisis
RNC spokesbuyer Maria Comella refused to comment on the report’s details, although she reaffirmed the McCain campaign’s commitment to a strong, stylish America and described Ms. Palin’s look as “bitchin’.”
The GOP is clearly tapping into a societal predisposition to dress-up Barbie, although most old white male Republicans mentally undress Alaska’s popular populist governor.
W. T. F.
Okay, no, seriously: What the fuck is he saying?
(via John Gruber on Twitter)
McCain and Palin to Debate Each Other
“My friends — and I think I can call you my friends — Governor Palin and I agree on many important issues,” the Arizona maverick told nearly a dozen supporters at a car wash adjacent to the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway.
“Nevertheless,” Mr. McCain continued, “in light of the deep, fundamental divisions that divide pragmatic realists and extremist neocons within the Republican Party, there are one or two subjects that could benefit from a spirited exchange of talking points.”
Gasoline is Becoming Too Inexpensive
I’m old enough to remember when OPEC was the petro-boogeyman. Those were good times. Any and every upward swing at the pump was due to the greed of rat bastard Saudi Arabians, Kuwaitis, and Venezuelans. After all, it’s so much nicer to hate foreigners.
Nowadays, the bull’s-eye of hate is painted squarely on the oil companies themselves — profiteering pirates manipulating the market and gilding their parachutes. Coldhearted robber barons hellbent on exploiting Ford F-250 pickup truck owners.
Poverty Mostly Unaffected by Banking Crisis
“If it’s true the disenfranchised, homeless, and destitute have absolutely nothing, then we must find a way to take even that from them,” Mr. Bush said in his weekly radio address. “If we can take nothing from the country’s wealthiest people we can certainly do it with the poorest.”
The president also denied that federal funding had been earmarked to facilitate research into methods of extracting blood from rocks and turnips.
McCain to Begin Actual Campaign Very Soon
Mr. McCain promised to spend less time leaving angry notes underneath automobile windshield wipers and would instead consign himself fully to winning the presidency, but refused to take character assassination off the table.
Experienced observers predict the feisty, combative GOP silver fox would start campaigning in the next week or two.
In Which I Proclaim My Love for Sarah
Everything changed the night I saw Sarah speak at the Republican National Convention. I was captivated by her passion, her perkiness, her adorably flat accent. Wouldn’t I just love to hear her say my name — to call me her own special “bad guy”? You betcha.
I have already composed a list of nearly three hundred catch phrases and special little pet-names we can use to ignite exchanges of whispers, giggles, and knowing looks with each other. I can’t wait.
Bush Ratings Lower Than Pirates, Wall St. Brokers
Washington, DC — Embattled U.S. President George W. Bush continues his long, slow decline into history’s dumpster.
A new Gallup poll places Mr. Bush’s current approval rating somewhere between Brussels sprouts and explosive diarrhea.
“The Administration’s handling of foreign affairs and the events leading up to the current financial crisis is taking a toll on President Bush’s credibility,” senior pollster R. Kevin Buck told news agencies Thursday. “It’s like watching a monkey trying to fuck a football.”
Poll: McCain Old and White, Obama Young and Black
“We accumulate plenty of raw data,” said thirty-year veteran statistician Nelson Temple of Scranton, PA, “even when we don’t embroider reality with made up bullshit. The tough part is making sense of it.”
“This week,” he continued, “49% of those surveyed indicate Governor Sarah Palin is not as hot as they first thought, yet 47% are convinced she is hotter than ever. With a 3% margin of error, what am I supposed to do with that?”
Candidates Waging Battle of Quotes, Sources Say
New York, NY — It’s never been more difficult to separate whining from substance. America’s 2008 presidential race is fully engaged, but truth and credibility are not.
The road to the White House is littered with the corpses of shattered reality and common decency — casualties of one of the ugliest, nastiest major U.S. elections since 2004.
Celebrities Struggling to Make Ends Meet
Some of the most prominent and glamorous celebrities are now forced to order their domestic staff to serve frozen creamed orphan on toast points or canned poached breast of bald eagle instead of fresh.
Meanwhile, average Americans who are not famous or popular or attractive are subsisting on diets of wienie water, dust bunnies, and grass clippings.
There’s a Party in My Pants
Wednesday, September 3
11:40AM Yes, I got here late. What a night I had. Three women at my hotel asked me if I wanted a massage. I thought they were hookers but it turns out they were delegates from Indiana. One in particular had skills — and strong hands like a farmer’s wife. She told me she attended her first GOP convention in 1972 when Nixon won his second nomination. Unlike that sordid affair, last night had a happy ending.
Nude Photos Sidetrack McCain Campaign
The 2008 Republican National Convention has had its share of twists and turns so far.
Much like Mr. McCain’s sluggish White House bid, hurricane Gustav launched itself upon the United States with less force than predicted. Many RNC events and speakers were postponed or cancelled in anticipation of Katrina v2.0 — including plans for Ms. Palin to pop out of a comically large cake while clad in a skimpy swimsuit.
Experienced observers of jacked-up elections admit that Ms. Palin might not be hot enough to ride out the ever-growing storm of criticism that surrounds her, leaving the embattled Mr. McCain no option except to throw her under the wheels of his “Straight Talk Express” bus.
Catering the Rapture
Special Report — I think about food too much. I know I do. I acquired the tendency honestly.
When I was a little critter growing up in the compound, my mother elected herself nutritionist for our entire breakaway republic. There’s no telling what Mom would have achieved as Dietician-General if our fifty-two member group had seceded from the United States.
McCain VP Hot Pick is Hot Chick
Elected in 2006 as governor of a state that has a population density lower than outer space, the former basketball player and beauty queen acquired the nickname “Sarah Barracuda” for her competitive ferocity in pageant competitions.
This sexiest bright hope of conservatives once kilt a grizzly with her bare hands, and was awarded the mayoralty of Wasilla, one of Alaska’s least-amusingly named cities, as first prize for winning the famous Iditarod dogsled race in 1996.
Democratic Convention: Everyone Forgot the Potato Salad
Former President Jimmy Carter, comfortable in his new role of elder statesman and hobbyist diplomat, warned on Monday that his fellow Democrats need to “smarten up” and “stop acting like little bitches.”
“Americans want change, prosperity, and international prestige,” said Mr. Carter, who history will remember as being a much better ex-president than president. “Unfortunately, the Democratic leadership sometimes acts like it couldn’t even organize an explosion at a fireworks factory.”
Obama, McCain to Quit, End Campaigns on High
“We’ve all met people we like at first,” Mr. Plouffe continued, “but after a little while they get on our nerves, never return DVDs, constantly mooch money and food, and increase the tax on capital gains. Senator Obama prefers to avoid that shift in perception. He wants to be remembered as being one of the most charismatic and exciting candidates of all time.”
I Told You So What
There I was last weekend, trying on my fancy clothes for the upcoming Democratic and Republican National Conventions, when the news crackled in over the shortwave: Russia had invaded Georgia. My first thought was, “Clever bastards; I always thought they would come in through Florida.” My second thought was, “What took them so long?”
I suppose the defenders’ resistance has been fierce — everyone in that part of the U.S. is heavily armed — but those folks are going to need some help. Maybe we should airlift a couple million pounds of ground beef into the combat zone. That will stop those Bolsheviks in their tracks. E. coli O157:H7 or litigation, whatever it takes. There are almost 1.4 million lawyers in metropolitan Atlanta. Bloody stools and compensatory damages.
Robert Novak Drives to Top of McCain VP List
Mr. Novak was cited for failing to yield, a charge he angrily dismissed.
“I don’t yield and I never back down,” the syndicated political columnist and cockfighting hobbyist told the reflection in his shaving mirror Thursday. “Unless, of course, I change my mind or come up with a better story. That sort of thing.”
McCain Advocates Phil Gramm Surge
“My friends — and I truly think of all of you as friends — listen up,” Mr. McCain told supporters and press. “The U.S. will withdraw from Iraq only after victory is achieved. We will achieve that victory by pounding the terrorists as if they are economical cuts of flank steak.”
“I have the military and foreign policy experience to make statements like that,” he continued in a strident, nasally voice, “even if I clearly can’t tell the difference between a Shiite and a Sunni.”
Obama: New Yorker Cover Real After All
“The Senator’s outrage was entirely understandable,” said Mr. Obama’s communications director Bill Burton. “He simply didn’t expect anything like that to come from such a normally left-leaning source. Then he talked to Mrs. Obama and they agreed The New Yorker pretty much nailed it.”
“However,” Mr. Burton continued, “at no time or under any circumstance has Senator Obama ever consumed a human infant. He is not a baby-eater.”
InBev Buys Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac
“Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have endured troubled times lately,” said InBev CEO Carlos Brito, “but that will change now that they have joined our corporate family. A little tweaking, some layoffs — there is no limit to what we can achieve together.”
“We often make our expansion decisions based on brand equity,” Mr. Brito added. “However, in this particular case the first thing we will do is change those incredibly stupid company names.”
