Excerpts from the Future Testimony of Harriet Miers and Karl Rove
MS. MIERS: I have no recollection of that conversation.
MR. ROVE: Could you repeat the question, Congressman?
MS. MIERS: I don’t remember.
MR. ROVE: Are you referring to the first President Bush or the second?
Cheney Douchiest VP of All Time, Ever, Seriously
An increasingly upset Mr. Cheney stated categorically that Mr. Wallace, Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary and Bill Clinton, Caroline Kennedy, and even Paris Hilton could all go “bleep” themselves.
Although such enthusiastic support for onanistic love comes during the twilight of his public service career, the Wyoming Republican was quick to reiterate his “unimpeachable zeal for the rule of law.”
President Bush Will Relocate to Canada
Mr. Bush refused to confirm the exact location to which he planned to move, only hinting it would have to be somewhere that supported his hobbies of felling trees and clearing brush.
When reporters asked if he and First Lady Laura were heading north, Mr. Bush smiled coyly and observed “they’ve got a lot of timber up there.”
“I greatly admire Mr. Harper’s suspension of constitutional procedure and closing Parliament and whatnot,” Mr. Bush said. “Those Canadians even play forms of football and baseball generally similar to how we do it down here.”
I’m Almost Popular: From the Editor’s Inbox
Dear my friend,
Katrine is what my parents call my naming. Your eyes it is who I am writing these note. You to see, it is me who is telling you about I am lonely girl who only wants to seek to meet nice guy who are feeling same.
For sure I am to live in Estonia and it is unstoppable in these remoteness and not too many nice guys so that I am thinking to use these English and talk to new friends I have not meeting on these Internet.
Window of Opportunism
We live in the Pre-Post-Apocalyptic Era. Is the End of Days coming? Is it happening now? Pick a theory and there is probably evidence to support it — the same clues often validate coincident yet contrary points of view. No shit.
I diligently monitor world events, looking for clues that fit together into the delicate puzzle that will reveal Armageddon’s time, date, and zip code. My research is not a hobby, unless by “hobby” you mean “freakish obsession.” If I painted my analyses onto grains of rice — now that would be a hobby.
Melamine Shortage Could Undermine GM Bailout
The lame duck Bush Administration says it will authorize the purchase of 600,000 unwanted and unsold Chevrolet, GMC, Pontiac, Buick, and Saturn SUVs and donate them to former homeowners who defaulted on mortgages.
“Well, nobody can afford to buy those vehicles or fill them with gas,” said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, or possibly Nancy Pfotenhauer, “but if you park them in the shade they make a cozy little living space. Kind of like camping.
U.S. Economy Inflates and Recedes Simultaneously
America’s turgid economy has finally oozed over the brink of a deep financial chasm, the likes of which has not been seen or smelled or imagined for decades.
The world banking crisis, rising commodity costs, and an uncertain energy supply have combined to ignite a paper bag of dog poo left on the doorsteps of hapless consumers.
At the same time the world monetary supply tightens, prices continue to soar. According to gifted moneyologist Warren Buffet, the costs of luxury yachts and Moet & Chandon champagne have risen nearly 400% in just seven years, although according to Mr. Buffet the inflationary spiral hurts the very wealthy “not one damned bit — we’re too rich.”
Poverty Mostly Unaffected by Banking Crisis
“If it’s true the disenfranchised, homeless, and destitute have absolutely nothing, then we must find a way to take even that from them,” Mr. Bush said in his weekly radio address. “If we can take nothing from the country’s wealthiest people we can certainly do it with the poorest.”
The president also denied that federal funding had been earmarked to facilitate research into methods of extracting blood from rocks and turnips.
Poll: McCain Old and White, Obama Young and Black
“We accumulate plenty of raw data,” said thirty-year veteran statistician Nelson Temple of Scranton, PA, “even when we don’t embroider reality with made up bullshit. The tough part is making sense of it.”
“This week,” he continued, “49% of those surveyed indicate Governor Sarah Palin is not as hot as they first thought, yet 47% are convinced she is hotter than ever. With a 3% margin of error, what am I supposed to do with that?”
Nude Photos Sidetrack McCain Campaign
The 2008 Republican National Convention has had its share of twists and turns so far.
Much like Mr. McCain’s sluggish White House bid, hurricane Gustav launched itself upon the United States with less force than predicted. Many RNC events and speakers were postponed or cancelled in anticipation of Katrina v2.0 — including plans for Ms. Palin to pop out of a comically large cake while clad in a skimpy swimsuit.
Experienced observers of jacked-up elections admit that Ms. Palin might not be hot enough to ride out the ever-growing storm of criticism that surrounds her, leaving the embattled Mr. McCain no option except to throw her under the wheels of his “Straight Talk Express” bus.
I Told You So What
There I was last weekend, trying on my fancy clothes for the upcoming Democratic and Republican National Conventions, when the news crackled in over the shortwave: Russia had invaded Georgia. My first thought was, “Clever bastards; I always thought they would come in through Florida.” My second thought was, “What took them so long?”
I suppose the defenders’ resistance has been fierce — everyone in that part of the U.S. is heavily armed — but those folks are going to need some help. Maybe we should airlift a couple million pounds of ground beef into the combat zone. That will stop those Bolsheviks in their tracks. E. coli O157:H7 or litigation, whatever it takes. There are almost 1.4 million lawyers in metropolitan Atlanta. Bloody stools and compensatory damages.
InBev Buys Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac
“Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have endured troubled times lately,” said InBev CEO Carlos Brito, “but that will change now that they have joined our corporate family. A little tweaking, some layoffs — there is no limit to what we can achieve together.”
“We often make our expansion decisions based on brand equity,” Mr. Brito added. “However, in this particular case the first thing we will do is change those incredibly stupid company names.”
Iran Launches Oil Barrels into Persian Gulf
Tehran, Iran — The global petroleum market threw up a little in its throat Thursday as Iran commenced a second consecutive day of test firing oil-filled surface-to-surface missiles.
Determined to prove its courage, fortitude, and earnest resistance to common sense, the radical Islamic republic launched an estimated five hundred fully laden medium- and short-range Shahab-3, Scud-C, and Hoot missiles into the Straits of Hormuz, gateway to 40% of the world’s fuel supply.
Depression Not So Great
New York, NY — Last Friday’s stock market near-crash sent waves of intestinal cramps rippling through the world’s investment community.
With the Dow Jones Industrial Average having lost more value than at any time post-1929 and reaching its lowest point in the past 22 months, the current financial crisis is taking a psychological and emotional toll on jittery investors.
U.S. Food Supply Deemed Unsafe for Bacteria
Washington, DC — Continued severe outbreaks of dangerous contamination have caused the United States Food & Drug Administration to give all American fruits, vegetables, and meat a “not acceptable” rating.
The latest salmonellosis scourge, this time involving fresh Roma and red plum tomatoes, has caused economic and dietary upheaval as well as enraging millions of consumers of pico de gallo salsa, gazpacho, Cobb salad, and BLT sandwiches.
FDA Assistant Commissioner Dr. Jane Corey expressed deep concern for the illnesses—and in some cases deaths—caused by food supply quality lapses, while promising her agency would redouble its inspection efforts upon returning to full staffing strength.
“We’re a little shorthanded at the moment,” Dr. Corey told reporters Tuesday. “A lot of our inspectors have called in sick due to stomach viruses and the 24-hour flu.”
“Commissioner von Eschenbach sends his apologies for missing this press conference,” the Assistant Commissioner continued, “but he’s feeling a little under the weather, too. He thinks it was something he ate.”
