Drill, baby… what…?
Presumably spoken without irony:
Despite the intense speculation on some blogs, the former Republican vice presidential candidate told Fox News she has not had breast implants and attributed such chatter to “bored, idle bloggers and reporters with nothing else to talk about.”
“I think some of those folks too need to perhaps grab a shovel, go down to the gulf, volunteer to help, clean up and save a well or something,” Palin added.
Separated at birth?
Good morning, Clusterflockers. I couldn’t think of any pranks stranger than reality. I probably need to learn more about positioning images, though; I tried to place these side-by-side in the center, but Sarah kept moving to the right.
It took me a while to figure it out
Michael and Sarah have the same last name.
Allegory II
Window of Opportunism
We live in the Pre-Post-Apocalyptic Era. Is the End of Days coming? Is it happening now? Pick a theory and there is probably evidence to support it — the same clues often validate coincident yet contrary points of view. No shit.
I diligently monitor world events, looking for clues that fit together into the delicate puzzle that will reveal Armageddon’s time, date, and zip code. My research is not a hobby, unless by “hobby” you mean “freakish obsession.” If I painted my analyses onto grains of rice — now that would be a hobby.
President-Elect Obama: I Wasn’t Serious
Chicago, IL — The election of America’s first African-American Negro black president has been greeted enthusiastically by 53% of the U.S. population and almost universally by the rest of the world.
Stalwart Republican challenger Senator John McCain refused to admit defeat, however, and insisted he will keep campaigning “for a hundred years, if that’s what it takes.”
Liquid Plumber: Joe’s Wardrobe Costs GOP $150K
On Friday, the Republican National Committee reported receipts amounting to nearly $150,000 for clothing, cosmetic treatments, and beef jerky allocated to McCain campaign phenomenon Samuel “Joe the Plumber” Wurzelbacher.
McCain senior strategist and speechwriter Mark Salter dismissed the bills as “irrelevant” and “false” while insisting, “even if the story were true, and it is, Obama will raise taxes.”
Iranian President Exhausted Due to Web Surfing
Tehran, Iran — Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad canceled a majority of his public appearances in an attempt to recover from what government physicians describe as “severe self-induced sexual exhaustion.”
The Islamic Republic News Agency (IRNA) — the official Iranian news generator — reported on Saturday that Mr. Ahmadinejad had curtailed all engagements except for ones dedicated to making statements about his poor health.
IRNA’s graphic artists are said to be working around the clock in an attempt to retouch current images of Mr. Ahmadinejad so that he looks well-rested, healthy, and rational.
Palin Better Qualified to Handle Fashion Crisis
RNC spokesbuyer Maria Comella refused to comment on the report’s details, although she reaffirmed the McCain campaign’s commitment to a strong, stylish America and described Ms. Palin’s look as “bitchin’.”
The GOP is clearly tapping into a societal predisposition to dress-up Barbie, although most old white male Republicans mentally undress Alaska’s popular populist governor.
McCain and Palin to Debate Each Other
“My friends — and I think I can call you my friends — Governor Palin and I agree on many important issues,” the Arizona maverick told nearly a dozen supporters at a car wash adjacent to the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway.
“Nevertheless,” Mr. McCain continued, “in light of the deep, fundamental divisions that divide pragmatic realists and extremist neocons within the Republican Party, there are one or two subjects that could benefit from a spirited exchange of talking points.”
Abuse of Power
Messy divorce.
Nasty divorce.
Bitter divorce.
Contentious divorce.
Acrimonious divorce.
McCain to Begin Actual Campaign Very Soon
Mr. McCain promised to spend less time leaving angry notes underneath automobile windshield wipers and would instead consign himself fully to winning the presidency, but refused to take character assassination off the table.
Experienced observers predict the feisty, combative GOP silver fox would start campaigning in the next week or two.
In Which I Proclaim My Love for Sarah
Everything changed the night I saw Sarah speak at the Republican National Convention. I was captivated by her passion, her perkiness, her adorably flat accent. Wouldn’t I just love to hear her say my name — to call me her own special “bad guy”? You betcha.
I have already composed a list of nearly three hundred catch phrases and special little pet-names we can use to ignite exchanges of whispers, giggles, and knowing looks with each other. I can’t wait.
Bush Ratings Lower Than Pirates, Wall St. Brokers
Washington, DC — Embattled U.S. President George W. Bush continues his long, slow decline into history’s dumpster.
A new Gallup poll places Mr. Bush’s current approval rating somewhere between Brussels sprouts and explosive diarrhea.
“The Administration’s handling of foreign affairs and the events leading up to the current financial crisis is taking a toll on President Bush’s credibility,” senior pollster R. Kevin Buck told news agencies Thursday. “It’s like watching a monkey trying to fuck a football.”
Team of Mavericks
League of non-conformists.
Alliance of loners.
Gaggle of rebels.
Coalition of dissenters.
The Poetry of Sarah Palin
“Outside”
I am a Washington outsider.
I mean,
Look at where you are.
I’m a Washington outsider.I do not have those allegiances
To the power brokers,
To the lobbyists.
We need someone like that.
Poll: McCain Old and White, Obama Young and Black
“We accumulate plenty of raw data,” said thirty-year veteran statistician Nelson Temple of Scranton, PA, “even when we don’t embroider reality with made up bullshit. The tough part is making sense of it.”
“This week,” he continued, “49% of those surveyed indicate Governor Sarah Palin is not as hot as they first thought, yet 47% are convinced she is hotter than ever. With a 3% margin of error, what am I supposed to do with that?”
Candidates Waging Battle of Quotes, Sources Say
New York, NY — It’s never been more difficult to separate whining from substance. America’s 2008 presidential race is fully engaged, but truth and credibility are not.
The road to the White House is littered with the corpses of shattered reality and common decency — casualties of one of the ugliest, nastiest major U.S. elections since 2004.
There’s a Party in My Pants
Wednesday, September 3
11:40AM Yes, I got here late. What a night I had. Three women at my hotel asked me if I wanted a massage. I thought they were hookers but it turns out they were delegates from Indiana. One in particular had skills — and strong hands like a farmer’s wife. She told me she attended her first GOP convention in 1972 when Nixon won his second nomination. Unlike that sordid affair, last night had a happy ending.
Nude Photos Sidetrack McCain Campaign
The 2008 Republican National Convention has had its share of twists and turns so far.
Much like Mr. McCain’s sluggish White House bid, hurricane Gustav launched itself upon the United States with less force than predicted. Many RNC events and speakers were postponed or cancelled in anticipation of Katrina v2.0 — including plans for Ms. Palin to pop out of a comically large cake while clad in a skimpy swimsuit.
Experienced observers of jacked-up elections admit that Ms. Palin might not be hot enough to ride out the ever-growing storm of criticism that surrounds her, leaving the embattled Mr. McCain no option except to throw her under the wheels of his “Straight Talk Express” bus.
Catering the Rapture
Special Report — I think about food too much. I know I do. I acquired the tendency honestly.
When I was a little critter growing up in the compound, my mother elected herself nutritionist for our entire breakaway republic. There’s no telling what Mom would have achieved as Dietician-General if our fifty-two member group had seceded from the United States.
McCain VP Hot Pick is Hot Chick
Elected in 2006 as governor of a state that has a population density lower than outer space, the former basketball player and beauty queen acquired the nickname “Sarah Barracuda” for her competitive ferocity in pageant competitions.
This sexiest bright hope of conservatives once kilt a grizzly with her bare hands, and was awarded the mayoralty of Wasilla, one of Alaska’s least-amusingly named cities, as first prize for winning the famous Iditarod dogsled race in 1996.
